Yes, I used to be a Child Protective Services worker. Many years ago a co-worker observed that I treated people nicely, too nicely.. "You're not going to make it here," she said, grinning knowingly. "You have to be firm with them." she said, meaning the recipients of services. "There has to be a bottom line."
I mulled over that a few minutes. When a good parent corrects her child it is done with love and care and it is clear. There is no doubt in the child's mind what she intends. There is a bottom line. Why would the same rule not apply to adults. Of course I treat people nicely! What other way is there if I want them to hear me.
It sounds easy, doesn't it? So why is it that we find it so difficult to have compassion for another adult, especially one who has done something of which we don't approve. Everyone is the way they are for a reason. There is an explanation for every behavior. Shame doesn't make changes, hope does. If you have done something you regret, do you want to be shamed, blamed or to be understood. Which response is going to help you do the right thing?
Once in a short conversation with a young mother I asked what she did well as a parent. She told me a thing or two, then seeing me smile in response, told me some more. I asked her what was difficult for her. "Well" she said "I do have this problem. I yell too much much. Sometimes I just can't help it." My answer, "Lets talk about how we can help you change that." No blame, no shame, no anger, just caring, and a plan and....... no one came away feeling bad.
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