Story time

Enough already... we need a story.

Little Ryan has had a tough life, lots of losses, and pain we could not start to imagine.  Now he's living with his grandma, Rose,  a wonderful woman who dotes on him, in all the right ways.  She knows what he's been through and knows that he is doing the best he can. She looks on him with  infinite calmness, constant patience, and inestimable insight.  If you met him you you might look askance at his scowl and be shocked by his occasional foul language.  You might wonder why he doesn't seem to be able to play well with others, and  why he sometimes just prefers to hide than to be seen.

Today Rose goes to register Ryan for his summer program, a day camp where children learn that they are worth everyone's efforts, where they can feel equal as human beings, and where their struggles and hard work are recognized. The director greets Rose happily, and exclaims how pleased she is that Ryan will attend this year, that they are waiting to see how well he is doing. Rose looks perplexed. "But this is Ryan,"  she stresses.  "He couldn't manage last year and got sent home."  "I know," she is assured, "but he's sure to do better this year."  Rose can feel her heart swelling in her chest.  "No one has ever wanted to spend time with Ryan." she says, as her tears begin to flow.

Being nice, and fair, doesn't mean having no bottom line.

Yes, I used to be a Child Protective Services worker.  Many years ago a co-worker observed that I treated people nicely, too nicely.. "You're not going to make it here,"  she said, grinning knowingly.  "You have to be firm with them." she said, meaning the recipients of services.  "There has to be a bottom line."

 I mulled over that a few minutes. When a good parent corrects her child it is done with love and care and it is clear. There is no doubt in the child's mind what she intends. There is a bottom line. Why would the same rule not apply to adults. Of course I treat people nicely!  What other way is there if I want them to hear me.

It sounds easy, doesn't it?  So why is it that we find it so difficult to have compassion for another adult, especially one who has done something of which we don't approve.  Everyone is the way they are for a reason.   There is an explanation for every behavior.  Shame doesn't make changes, hope does.  If you have done something you regret, do you want to be shamed, blamed or to be understood. Which response is going to help you do the right thing?

Once in a short conversation with a young mother I asked what she did well as a parent. She told me a thing or two, then seeing me smile in response, told  me some more.   I asked her what was difficult for her.  "Well" she said  "I do have this problem. I yell too much much. Sometimes I just can't help it."   My answer,   "Lets talk about how we can help you change that."     No blame, no shame, no anger, just caring, and a plan and....... no one came away feeling bad.

Enter ....the new paradigm.....

....in case you didn't know - a paradigm is a framework of rules and assumptions that define or describe accepted ways of doing things

Sometimes jumping from one framework to another is not as easy as it sounds. 

The current here is fairly swift, I have to admit, and it has its purpose and destination. Even though I am afraid I have to acknowledge that the current is useful. It takes us past beauty I might enjoy if  this trip was less critical. Now, here is the boat. It is a small one and narrow, missing oars. Well perhaps there is a short paddle under the seat.  Sense tells me that to get in will help me travel, move to where I need to be, have faith in the current and the natural flow of things. To fail to get in would mean lack of impulse and motivation to move and would signify a stifling sameness, and loss of eager face.  BUT,  the dangerous step would be to put only one foot in as the boat passes. One foot in and one foot out spells danger, almost a fence sitting and a dishonesty of purpose. One must either step in or stay behind or fall! 

What is wrong with being nice?

Recently I heard about a woman charged with assault for slapping her Child Protective Services worker after her children were removed from her care.  I know what you are thinking. Of course she should be charged. She probably beat her kids too. We have laws that protect people from being assaulted, and for good reason.

However, I have to wonder about the rest of the story. I was not privy to that information.   Sometimes it is necessary for children to live away from their parents while alleged abuse or neglect is addressed. This isn’t new, but surely there is a way it might be done without becoming violent. “Look Sweetie, it’s like this,” the worker might say, “I know this is a really bad time for you and it sounds like you are under an unbelievable amount of stress.  How can we best help you manage?  The children’s needs must be met and yours. We are going to help you figure this out so things don’t get any worse before they get better. Don’t worry; this isn’t for good, just for now.”  That doesn’t sound so bad.  However, I suspect it went more like this.  “I have picked up your children from school because my investigation indicates that you have abused them.  They’ll be staying in a foster home until we go to court.”  That’s pretty hard to respond to positively. Your children are gone and a court date is set. The mother likely reacted defensively and denied abuse. The social worker, feeling challenged, argued back and we know what happens next.  I don’t know if this is how it went but I do know that too many times this kind of scenario occurs between people in authority and the people they are mandated to assist.  Of course, the person who resorts to physical violence is charged and that is the way it should be, but what else is going on?  That’s what we need to talk about if we are going to be part of a new paradigm, one of positive support.